Both Sides Now

Fear. Worry. Doubt. Not conducive for creative success. Yet, fodder for creative expression.
Joy. Hope. Belief in the possible. Conducive for creative success. Fodder for creative expression.

For a second yesterday I doubted. It happens more than I probably care to say. But, yesterday, it was hard to ignore because the feeling overwhelmed me. My body pulsed with it. Whereas the day before, my body pulsed with the knowing of a good day’s writing and where I was going next, yesterday, I was anxious and pondered how it was all going to happen. The money for school. The writing itself. Reading some of the posts from people who’ve gone to VCFA, I was impressed by their style and accomplishments. What have I done to be so worthy as to be put in the same category as these writers?

One of the things that I’ve begun to recognize in myself, is the need to allow both sides to be present. It isn’t “bad” that I have doubt. Nor, is it “good” that I am confident. Both of these twist and twirl around one another like one of those chocolate/vanilla soft ice cream cones and both can be equally delicious to experience. Each has something to say.

I’ve been focusing on the editing process of the L.M.M. paper and the novel has hit a new stride (although I think it is completely all over the place,) yet, I feel like I’m not doing enough right now. Time speeds on and I am still behind it. Hoping that I haven’t missed out on some important opportunity.

But, I am also so excited for this opportunity. I am ready for it. Maybe it was impatience that I felt as well yesterday. And jealousy. Wishing that I had been there with the other writers talking about the craft. Walking and meditating in the New England sunshine and stopping to writing underneath a tree.

Interesting that feeling both is possible. Isn’t it nice that such things are…